To Find What Is Lost
by axomyrhcal13
Summary: Oneshot. TezukaFuji. He wished of a heart…willing to move on, willing to let go, willing to forget.


**Disclaimer: **To own what isn't mine, is to get a one way ticket to doom.

**A/N: **First and foremost, **I am so sorry for not being able to update any stories of mine for a long while**, I'm am currently in a major writer's block, poorly motivated, terribly preoccupied with school and is going through a confusing phase in life. I am praying that my writing days won't slip by because I feel like it already is, and here I am forcing myself just to prove that I am not saying goodbye yet. I'm so sorry, my dear readers, for my fail. I will try to update my stories…soon. For the meantime, enjoy my oneshot offering. Thank you.

**Dedication: **This oneshot is for **AniManga19930** and **ZukaFujiZone** for their birthday. To you, my dear friends, a happy happy birthday~ XD And also this fic is dedicated especially to a friend of mine who inspired me to write this very profound story. May you find what you seek, my friend.

Now enjoy.

_Blah_- Fuji's er…story told on a second person POV. (I think...XD) Mostly explaining his past in connection to the story.

Blah- The actual story, and Tezuka's POV.

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To Find What Is Lost**

By Lachrymosa13blue

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_It was all the people could see; a harmless, innocent, happy smile from a very charming, effeminate boy. They wouldn't think otherwise, they would only give praises…empty praises from clouded judgment. _

_They wouldn't know what's inside this boy. They wouldn't know why he is the way he is. They wouldn't dare understand him even if they would claim they do._

_They wouldn't because this boy would never allow…_

_He would never allow a person to have even a glimpse of the saddest truth about his everything. _

Tezuka had merely even cast a sole glance at him when they first encountered each other. It was just like a normal first day in college, had the feeling of unexpected out to get you one of the days, and you would just act how you are and let things happen when it ought to happen. Tezuka had no interest to petty things like what typically guys his age are dedicating their every waking hour to.

He didn't even know that a certain Fuji Syusuke existed in the room if it weren't for one professor who asked the students to give a short introduction about them. Heck, it still had no effect to Tezuka, all he did was listen attentively but no spark of interest even crossed his mind when a certain brunette charmed the whole room with his rather short introduction.

Who would have expected something? Tezuka only had eyes on his goal to succeed and to learn. His mind was set only to that and that alone.

And that certain Fuji Syusuke is silently, deceptively hiding his inner turmoil behind his charming façade of smiles.

_He had never understood why it has to happen to him. He had always asked himself if he deserves what he has. He always asked himself why he couldn't be just like everybody else, without hiding under false pretenses and living without the nagging burden of the past._

_His smiles seem too natural, he could fool others with it, but he can't even convince himself to make that smile a real one. _

_He was convinced no one would ever take melancholy away from him…_

_No one would dare…_

_No one would care._

A month had passed and Tezuka, as expected of him, got straight A's in everything he does and earned the respect and admiration of everyone in the class, including the professors. Trivialities, he avoided. He didn't care what others may say behind his back. He knew what he has in mind, and that's what he would follow regardless of what people around him may react.

Was he too much preoccupied that he failed to notice one thing?

He failed to notice how Fuji Syusuke had accepted his principles fully without a word and admired him silently from behind.

_He led a life void of happiness, filled with hopelessness. He was recklessly making his family worry every single moment he tries to do something he says is 'ordinary' to him. That battered smile that wounds his loved ones' heart every moment they see him put that on, became his strength and weakness. _

_Who wouldn't hurt seeing that sweet smile while broken tears cascades down his pale cheeks as he tries to deny away the pain he always felt?_

_Who wouldn't be in such pain…when your own father would bring such demise to your family, to your self?_

Was it a twist of kismet when one day Fuji and Tezuka acknowledged each other and had a very short talk? Tezuka had not actually expected it, he had always seen Fuji around the room, but had never actually felt his presence (maybe he's just so busy he couldn't even pay attention to other things).

Maybe it wasn't too much of a deal. It was a short talk about on one their subjects, and nothing more. That's all there is to it.

That's what Tezuka thought.

Or maybe…he should think twice.

If only he knew what kismet had in mind.

_Who wouldn't be rebellious after seeing his mother cry and explain to him everything about his father's misdeeds? Who wouldn't hurt living with the fact that his own father had once hurt his mother, and had abandoned their family completely?_

_Who wouldn't curse his own existence after hearing his own father claiming he was once dead for the sake of money?_

_And with all that said who would expect that Fuji Syusuke would ever be happy?_

_Would somebody come and be willing to listen to him and take all his pain away…?_

Unaware they were that as days passed by, they became such good friends. They may seem to be two different worlds clashed together in one twist of fate, but they developed such a nice friendship.

Fuji, slowly as he could, started to trust Tezuka. Tezuka in return, started to accept the offered friendship. He wasn't used to this; he's fine being all by himself. But he realized it was happier if Fuji was beside him…all the time.

It was fulfilling and somewhat satisfying on both their part because they found refuge in each other's differences. Words didn't come handy, it wasn't needed, and sometimes a mere glance is enough to send deep messages to each other like telepathy as others have quoted. Maybe there was something connecting them that defied the need to verbal assurances. This may only be the only characteristic their friendship has that breaks the typical.

Little did Tezuka know…

It was only when with him, does Fuji actually smile for real.

_He had always asked when his seemingly infinite pathetic problems would end. Not only does he have a tragically damned past, he also faced a shattered love. _

_He fell in love with someone he thought was the one who'll help him ease the pain he's shouldering when it turned out that very person would shatter his heart into pieces._

_He had trusted him, bestowed his everything, loved him with every last tear he could shed and yet he was left in a dark corner of his pitiful life, trodden on repeatedly by the torment of his past…and now with the pain of a mistaken love._

_In which Fuji Syusuke almost finished his life…if it weren't for his desire to still live his useless life for one last hope of light._

Tezuka couldn't believe his ears when Fuji actually poured out every detail of his scarring past to him. He can't seem to utter a word as he saw tears glistening from the Fuji's crystalline eyes. It was heartbreaking to listen, let alone see him break down in front of him.

Tezuka wondered why Fuji chose him. Why he, of all people, would be given the benefit of knowing what's behind that sad smile? Trust is a very heavy thing to be entrusted upon. Maybe it was too much.

"I chose you." That's what Fuji had said. Those three words seem short but it was like something sparked within Tezuka when those words registered on his mind.

"Why me?" Tezuka whispered to the blowing gentle wind as Fuji's blue eyes smothered him. He was confused; he was unable to point out why he would be chosen. Of all the people who Fuji could have ever approached, why would it be him?

"I trust you." That's all the blue eyed said before he gave Tezuka a one last wistful smile before he turned his back and left.

_He swore he won't love again. He swore he'll be strong for himself. He swore he won't let anybody else feel the way he feels, especially those who are dear to him. He swore he would find what was taken to him, he would find what was lost, and he would live that day where every dark phase he'd been through would fade from the light._

_He swore he would find…happiness._

Tezuka couldn't explain why after knowing almost everything about his friend, Fuji, everything seemed to change inside of him. It's like every time his eyes would flicker to his friend, he would feel his heart throb slightly. And it's like without Fuji's presence he seemed lost.

People had started noticing, the closeness of their friendship. Tezuka had long not notice how almost everyday, he and Fuji were rarely separated from each other. Was it wrong to admit that he feels happy with Fuji by his side? No matter how quiet they would be oftentimes, no matter how they seemed to live in the university's library or no matter how 'no fun' they are to their other classmates, every single second seemed too precious.

Everything about Fuji seemed precious…

And every moment with him seemed priceless…

Is he…falling?

_He wished his heart was made of stone; hard to break, hard to shatter. He wished of a heart incapable of feeling pain, incapable of feeling the damned emotion of love. He wished of a heart void of anything, anything that would inflict pain to add the heap of his demise._

_He wished of a heart that won't be too kind. He wished of a heart free from masochism, free from pouring everything when he loves. He wished of a heart immune from the coldness of truth._

_He wished of a heart…willing to move on, willing to let go, willing to forget._

When he said those three words to Fuji, he regretted everything he did. Seeing the light from Fuji's now usually bright blue eyes and those soft smiles vanishing from his very eyes, was too painful to see.

"Why…?"

Tezuka felt his heart twinge with agony hearing the broken, melancholic, confused voice of Fuji. Was it wrong to fall in love with him?

"Why…?" Tears filled the brim of those heartbreakingly sad eyes, as Fuji carefully stepped back from Tezuka until his back hit the wall. It may as well be the saddest look Tezuka would ever see worn by this person he loves.

Those tears fell as Tezuka reached out and cupped Fuji's face, drowning on those watery pools that denied emotions stirring from within.

Maybe…he shouldn't have confessed…

Seeing Fuji crumble literally from his touch and sank to the ground, with tears flowing from his eyes and telling Tezuka the words he couldn't believe he was hearing…

It was all wrong…

"I can't love you…"

_He used to stare outside the window, after another episode of tears and frustration, looking and counting the stars and hoping that one day, someone could be that tiny pinprick of light to his absolutely dark world._

Tezuka knew why Fuji said what he just said. It was because of what his past relationship did to him, that's why he's afraid of falling yet again.

Afraid to love. Afraid to hurt. Afraid to be fooled again.

It was obvious Fuji would say such, who wouldn't when you've given everything to that person you love and would turn out you were being stabbed behind your back.

And here he was…saying that he loves Fuji.

Is he ready to love Fuji fully?

And take away him away from his imprisonment of the past?

_He says he's looking for real love…not infatuations. He knew what he had before with that person was an infatuation mistaken for love._

_And now he won't ever fall for that again._

"I'm not ready to fall in love yet, Tezuka. But if you're willing to wait…I might reciprocate back."

Tezuka let out a smile. It was a huge comfort for him, that despite what he did, Fuji was still okay with him, and even assured to him, that everything will be just the same as always.

And Tezuka would willingly wait, for Fuji to say those three words to him, and this time, he would swear to him, he would never hurt him the way he was hurt before.

He would be the one…

The one who would take Fuji away from the darkness…

He would be…

His light, his love, his everything.

_He shall seek what he lost._

_He shall find it…_

_In the arms of that person…that will be his everything.

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**A/N: **Yes, it is definitely a hanging ending. The story won't end yet, I suppose…hm, I can't say for sure… I hope it's still okay, because I think that was rather disappointing. To be honest, it has no definite ending when I was writing it, but I will write a sequel for this when I would find the perfect ending. Was it too dark…or pointless…or nonsense? Oh well, I'll thank you for taking time to read my story. And yes, it's not appropriate for birthdays, but I still do hope my two birthday celebrants would love it~ XD

I shall update my stories…I don't know when…I'll try my best soon. Thank you very much and so sorry as well. And please leave some reviews…XD


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